one in a billion (siege) wrote,
one in a billion
siege

Who I truly am

I think it's time I wrote about this. It's going to shock a lot of people, annoy a few, and disappoint some. And as usual, it's going to alienate family who want to believe I'm merely insane.

Let's introduce the primary characters in this play.

I am Anyüs (AHN-yoos), a unicorn. My soul-name means "Of Dream" or "Of Vision". In spirit I am known as a child of dreams who in maturity is a psychologist and a powerful soldier of my people. I am often sent forth as a herald for J'rai, the lithe and gracile unicorns -- horn on forehead -- of our homeworld Araştke (ah-RAHSHT-kah), "Little Ribbon" or "Little Wrap-Around". The solid and robust unicorns -- horn on snout -- are called Ju'rema (joo-REE-mah), and I am known by another name to them (one which will be relevant to a whole other life). I am the spirit or soul who is rightfully incarnate in this person, whose given name starts with "Z".

Verastes the Maker is a dra'khan known for his abilities with technology, making, and creation. He is extremely well-known in the spirit realms of this world and many others, and his is the soul whom I once described as being "older than this universe". He was to be my muse and guide to technology, business, and social niceties in the software and games industries.

There is a chthonic spirit whose name is the sound of bubbling mud and blowing wind in the trees of Earth. It has wanted to punish humankind for excessive growth and the destruction of wilderness for some time. That chthon took on the role of an urge, the lowest form of devil. Urges, as their name implies, provoke unwanted emotion or behavior. It certainly did, for the entire time it possessed my body.

So with these players described, let us set the scene:

I was and am new to Earth. My people sent me, for this new Age is one of abundance and transformation, and unicorns have always been needed here; we bear the power of Innocence, and the nature of Purity, even as the myths and legends say. My soul has only been in the Earth realm for about 120 years.

Verastes took up my case, being also an important soul of Araştke, and found work in spirit for me. He disguised me as a dragon and trained me as an engineer and computer programmer in spirit to prepare me for my first Earthly incarnation.

We were to incarnate together: me as the primary soul, him as an "overwatch", a presence in the "back" of my mind who could aid me at need. This is a separate role from one's spirit Guide or other spiritual presences, because it is a direct contact and is in fact an incarnate role.

The chthon, realizing how little earth energy I had, saw an opportunity to destroy humankind from within. It attempted to replace us during the incarnation process, and partially succeeded. Its interference is why my body is male, instead of the intended female gender.

To defend against the interloper, Verastes was forced to take the primary role and I a secondary. I was still not fully attuned to Earth (and even now am working on it) and thus could not fully resist those who have strong earth energies. (Note that one is capitalized and the other not, because one is a place or Realm, and the other is an elemental energy which many unicorns are lacking in.)

Incarnation is normally highly regulated, with an intense amount of oversight by gods and powerful spirits. However, the chthon got away with it because of its strong earth energy and my lack thereof; it looked like a normal Earth spirit. Normally such a possession and an alteration of the body and intent of incarnation would result in an early miscarriage and another attempt to incarnate; the chthon used its power to ensure that would not happen.

Verastes called in Hephaestus to aid us, and he assisted the incarnation, covering when Verastes could not be present. I was so very disconnected that normally the child would have borne the chthon's spirit, but it cannot incarnate without certain spirit-body parts that I enabled to be present. I was effectively drunk in spirit when I was called forth to birth. It was an ugly experience.

In fact, my whole life has been an ugly experience behind the scenes. I was an unhappy baby, crying constantly, upset at everything. I developed into a mostly-functional and mostly-happy child, but was always off my stride in some way. With a spirit cluttered with internal dissent and internal garbage, my life became cluttered with problems, and I never really kept a clean living space.

I was to incarnate female, be named Meriwether, learn computers and programming, and become a queen of the games industry. My works were to be foundational to human experience for five generations of people with computers and game consoles. I was to enlighten, entertain, and express great art through these works. With me in this role, there might not have been any "Gamergate" because there would have been no question that women are important to games and gaming, and therefore should not be forcibly diminished or hounded from the industry. There would have been several foundational and world-changing (or at least industry-changing) games, at least three of which many hundreds or thousands of souls have been waiting for all this time. Why? Because Verastes promised this to them. What Verastes promises, he delivers, a principle which is very nearly law.

What actually happened is much, much less than that.

I incarnated male, with unrecognized and mostly unrealized transgender needs. I was an unrecognized empath instead of fully psychic. I was always having problems. It constantly took someone else to support me and build me up, and from there I would gradually collapse downward like sand pouring through an hourglass, or a pile of dirt being heaped up only to fall over later. I got into computers and programming, science-fiction and fantasy, and spent many hours happily reading and writing software and stories as I should have. But my adult life went off course at every opportunity, and often sideways from the path it should have taken. Instead of MIT (and their famous Computer Club), I ended up at Purdue, and missed some important opportunities there that could still have led where I wanted to go. I found things that I was to participate in, but then they didn't go where I needed to ride them; I was always elsewhere or on a separate train of thought from the people I needed to connect with. Or some other event sent me away from where I belonged.

And yet the one great peace-giving thing in my life was the connection to games and play, and the friendships I made through them. Without the social connection of the Internet and the folks I met through gaming, I would have been emotionally lost. Without games and fantasy of various kinds to keep my mind where it should be, I would have been spiritually destroyed.

And I very nearly was destroyed anyway. We kept adjusting and adjusting, and eventually gave up and declared a total loss. My original life plan is NOT going to be accomplished.

Schizophrenia is a disorder of the mind. Its spiritual cause is when a soul is forced to accomplish a task or path which is rendered impossible or inaccessible. This extreme denial of the soul causes madness, which manifests as insanity. The difference between schizophrenia and schizo-affective disorder is whether one needs drugs to enable lucid thought.

I have schizo-affective disorder. It is believed to be life-long, but has been known to disappear on occasion and no longer manifest. Drugs can be effective but are not necessary, and are more damaging than helpful to me in the long term. The cause of this disorder in me is, unusually, possession by a spirit. That possession has finally ended.

Now we get to clean up the problems caused by that possession, including the mess of a number of spirits and souls who believe Verastes is me, or who want to follow my original life plan and force us to merge or join in some way, or who want me to produce what Verastes promised them -- or what the urge promised them. But in order to accomplish the reclaiming of my life, I had to reject Verastes and force him to disengage, and then reject the chthon and force it also to disengage. V now has his own incarnation, and none may take him from it on pain of severe punishment, while I (Anyüs, who is also Umaxses, having fully become the dragon I was once hidden as) live this one.

The chthon is being dealt with separately.

To ease or calm madness, acceptance and acknowledgment are necessary. To cure madness, fulfill what was denied the soul. This is not necessarily what the body or material self can access! Sometimes fulfillment is not possible in flesh. Sometimes we bear madness for a lifetime.

And so I am a unicorn who is also a dragon, bereft and missing some vital human development, still acclimatizing to Earth and still struggling to retain and rebuild my self-identity in the face of all these developments -- halfway through my originally intended lifespan of just over 80 years.

And that is where things stand now. THAT is who I am.

This entry was originally posted at http://zeeth-kyrah.dreamwidth.org/23707.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
Tags: dragons, identity, otherkin, spirits, starseeds, tua'ei, unicorns
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